How to Choose Courage Over Comfort
‘Would you be willing to share your expertise on how to say yes without knowing all the details about a topic or a role? You have 15 minutes.’
That’s how the email read from the leader of a network I’m part of. ‘Fifteen minutes!’ cried the voice in my head. I had previously shared with the network, that if I have seventy-five percent knowledge of something that’s in line with my goals, I’ll do it. I don’t need to be a hundred percent confident. This skill is the result of a lifetime of self-development, reflection, therapy and experimentation. So, I accepted the request.
Ways to Choose Courage
Brené Brown says in her Netflix show, ‘The Call to Courage,’ that she wakes up every day and decides to choose courage over comfort. Courage isn’t something we are born with, it’s a continuous choice and a tough practice. But, these daily choices will empower you to have both a more successful career and a more meaningful life.
I’m sharing with you how I choose courage over comfort in four steps:
- Know Your Why — Making Discomfort Worthwhile
- Be Vulnerable — The Only Way to Be Brave
- Create Your Tribe — No Woman is an Island
- Manage Motivation — Connect to Something Bigger
The Law of Jante — Swedish Code of Conduct
The Law of Jante is a Scandinavian sociological concept that instructs us not to think we’re better than anyone nor to deviate from the group. I started my presentation explaining this to the audience and one woman was confused. ‘But isn’t Sweden considered one of the world’s best places to live?’ she asked. It is, yes. Swedes value conformity and humbleness. This shows in how we live and structure our society: the more money we make — the more taxes we pay.
Swedes believe that everyone benefits, when everyone has access to education, health care and social security. That also means we compromise the individual’s ability to differentiate, for the benefit of the group. It’s not better nor worse, it’s different. Pursuing challenging opportunities that my peers would turn down, did not originally come natural to me. It was a choice and behavior I chose to practice.
One of my parents is from Finland with a culture that promotes a ‘Suck it up and just do it’ — mentality. The other parent is on the opposite side of the emotional spectrum: When they feel something — happy or upsetting — everyone in that room feels it, too. Growing up, I learned to disregard my needs or to adjust them to others. And as an adult, I decided to expand my skill set to learn how to identify and communicate my own needs. I committed to learn to take risks and be vulnerable.
Why does this matter to saying yes to things that scare you? Two reasons:
- Despite where you come from — culture, family, or values — like myself, you can choose to change your behaviors to how you want to live.
- Choosing courage over comfort means stepping out from your comfort zone, into uncertainty, and not letting fear stop you. That is scary, of course. The more comfortable you are being vulnerable, the more courageous you will be to take risks. Ultimately, that’s how you grow.
The more comfortable you are being vulnerable, the more courageous you will be taking risks.
Know Your Why — Making Discomfort Worthwhile
Who Are You?
The first step to choosing courage is to understand who you are and what you value. When you know this, the discomfort that comes with making courageous choices is worthwhile.
A useful model is the Japanese concept of Ikigai, which means, ‘A reason for being.’ Ikigai is the convergence of four elements:
- What you love
- What the world needs
- What you are good at
- What you can be paid for
Reflect on your answers to these questions, and define your own reason for being.
What’s Your Long-Term Vision?
Four years ago, on an airplane traveling to London, I realized that all my previous jobs had been offered to me by someone. I had not managed my own career path, others had. I decided to take control of my future, so I pictured my life in twenty-five years. Where would I live? What would my job be? How would I feel? Who will be with me? Then I asked, ‘If this is my life in twenty-five years, what do I need to do in the next twenty years to make that happen? The next fifteen? Five? Next year? What do I need to do today?’ Already now on year four, things changed with new insights, but my long-term vision and its meaning to me stays consistent.
Consider aspects of your life: Family, career, relationships, well-being, finances, and self-development. What do you want them to be in the future? Create a plan to realize that vision. Whether your long-term vision will be twenty-five, five or one year doesn’t matter. But a vision and a plan will help you make decisions that support the life you want to live.
Who Values Your Skills?
Six months ago, I reached a ten-year goal and moved to New York City with a job I love. As I planned for this goal I went through the above steps. I had identified what I love, what I do well, how I make good in the world and my goal (to work in the US). I still needed to define who would value my skills (and want to pay for them). I researched future needs in the US, identified which ones suited my niche, and outlined:
- The individuals in and outside my network whom could help me
- The options to connect with people who needed the skills I offered
- How I would communicate my skills to them
Find an environment where you can use your strengths with people who value them. When you shine you’ll have more fun, go outside of your comfort zone and take more risks. And, when you fail, because we all do, then you’re surrounded by people with a shared passion who will support you.
How Do You Make It Real?
Every Sunday I noted three key activities I had done to reach my goal and three I committed to do the coming week. If you try this exercise and you’re not excited about your goal, it’s the wrong goal for you. Don’t stick with something that’s not useful for you. Learn from it, go back to the drawing board and shape goals that you are excited to work towards.
If you’re not excited about your goal it’s the wrong goal.
Stuck? — Don’t Worry, Life is an Experiment
If it’s challenging for you to set goals, take daily notes for a month of what you’re thankful for and good things about your day. Still aren’t feeling it after that month? Flip the page and outline the ten best decisions you made in your life. What do they have in common? Find patterns of what you enjoy and value.
Some people are motivated to set specific goals: a certain job, relationship status, or physical appearance. If this isn’t you, review your notes and outline life objectives instead of specifics. They could be: Freedom, fulfilling relationships, and/or self-growth. These are guiding principles to work towards before you’ve identified a goal. How can you introduce more of those objectives in your life?
It’s uncomfortable to choose courage over comfort, but when you know where you’re going and why, discomfort is worthwhile. The clearer your goals are, the harder it is to make decisions that are not in line with how you want to live.
Your Turn!
- Reflect on who you are, what you value and how you want to live your life
- Know your strengths and find the contexts they’re valued in
- Define your vision and create a plan — reflect on it!
Be Vulnerable — The Only Way to Be Brave
What’s the Worst Thing That Can Happen?
When I’m anxious or uncomfortable it’s a physical sensation more than logical reasoning. In this feeling, I ask myself, ‘What’s the worst thing that can happen?’ I write down all the answers on one page and potential solutions to each of them on the next one. When I choose to avoid things because I’m afraid, I reflect on, ‘If I continue to live like I am today, where will I be in ten years? Do I want to be there? — If I don’t — What do I need to change?’
Whatever you do people will have opinions of you — you might as well do what you want.
Uncertainty often feels worse than the actual consequences that may happen when you take a chance. Outlining your concerns provides a list and gives you control. Usually the things we’re afraid of won’t happen, anyways. If you know your why, paying the price of someone rolling their eyes to a ‘stupid’ question or saying you made the wrong decision is worth it. Because you’re working towards your goal. ‘If I screw up, will anyone care about it a week from now?’ I often ask myself. If the answer is no, I’ll go for it. If the answer is yes, is that person’s opinion more important to me than my growth? Of course not. In the end, whatever you do, people will have opinions of you — you might as well do what you want.
This exercise is inspired by Tim Feriss fear exercise from his TED-talk. Watch it if you haven’t already!
If I screw up, will anyone care about it a week from now?
You Either Win or You Learn
’You either win or you learn,’ said Nelson Mandela. There are no failures. I work in innovation, the essence of my job is to do new things and of course things go wrong sometimes. That’s the nature of our jobs in a fast-changing world. If I’m uncomfortable with setbacks, I need to return to a previous exercise to consider a more suitable context for my strengths and values. When things don’t go your way the most important things to consider are:
- How you handled the setback and
- What you learned from that setback
Not only is it crucial to learn from the challenges, cherish the wins too! Every positive email, compliment, feedback, review or result — save them! Read them when you feel down or to learn your strengths (and bring them to your performance reviews and salary discussions).
Get 1% better Every Day
The main reason people don’t reach their goals is because they’re not realistic. One of my most valuable habits is to get 1% better every day. Consistency is key, and so is a learning format you will commit to. To read a book every day won’t come close to the impact of reading ten minutes every day. Simply because the habit of reading an entire book every day, is unlikely for most to maintain. Run one mile, connect with one new person, give someone one compliment. And do it every day. The more you practice small challenges, the faster you will take on bigger ones. To practice being wrong, learn something intimidating, or push ‘Send’ without proof reading your email twice, will increase your ability to manage uncertainty. Growth doesn’t need to hurt. It needs to be consistent.
By taking small and frequent steps your development doesn’t overwhelm you. When you have practiced facing challenges and your life is steady, you will grow your resilience and be more prepared to face them when life is hard. Manage your fears, learn from both setbacks and wins and always look for small ways to improve.
Your Turn!
- List the worst things that can happen and plan for them
- Cherish wins and development opportunities
- Get 1% better daily
Create Your Tribe — No Woman is an Island
When I first became a manager at twenty-three, I enthusiastically told my dad about the role. At the end of that conversation I had heard all the negatives of managing people. Not the response I wanted. ‘I’m giving you happy news and you’re telling me the things that won’t work. Why do you do that?’ I asked him. He intended to give great advice, to avoid future disappointment. Now, I want to tell my dad about my career development but knowing I won’t get the response I want, we discuss other topics. When it’s time to talk risky career moves I have a list of other people to call.
Growing up there were no role models in business or IT around me, especially not young women. Not until I found them later in life did I realized the difference it makes to observe someone you relate to and admire do what you want to do. If you don’t have a role model, find someone you look up to, get inspired and model what they do.
Jim Rohn says, ‘You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.’ Make a conscious decision of who those five people are for you. Who inspires you? Who shares your dreams? Who supports your goals? Who makes you better? List them, why you value them, and tell them.
To have the right people in your life will both increase your happiness and the development of your goals. The people around you impact you. What they think, do and say will shape your life so choose them deliberately and make sure that they fit your long-term vision.
Your Turn!
- Find a role model
- Choose your tribe
- Show appreciation
Manage Motivation — Connect to Something Bigger
I negotiate my salary high, I am assertive at work and I offer to speak in front of large groups on topics I don’t fully know (yet). Though I enjoy all of this, I don’t do it for me alone, I do it for every woman on the planet. I aspire to be part of the change in the statistics of women’s salaries and the perception of what women can and cannot do. I am lucky to be born with the opportunities I have, and I think of all the women who weren’t. I think of all the women who aren’t allowed education, who don’t have right to their own bodies, or who aren’t allowed to make decisions I consider small. It is my opportunity and duty to do all I can with my life, so more women will get to make choices that I take for granted. I don’t simply make progress for me, I do it for every other woman on this planet and that motivates me.
Your Turn!
- Identify the impact you’re having that’s bigger than yourself
In Summary
All you have done in your life so far has served you and made you who you are today. Every second of every day you have the choice to continue living as you have, or decide you want something to be different. To choose courage over comfort means stepping out of your comfort zone, into uncertainty, and not letting fear stop you. That is scary. The more comfortable you are being vulnerable, the more courageous you will be to take risks. Ultimately, that’s how you grow and how you design a meaningful life and career for you. The four steps to take are:
- Know Your Why — Making Discomfort Worthwhile
- Be Vulnerable — The Only Way to Be Brave
- Create Your Tribe — No Woman is an Island
- Manage Motivation — Connect to Something Bigger
Now What…?
Define one realistic activity you want to do this week, which scares you a little, that you commit to.
If you only take one thing with you after reading this, make it this, ‘In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take.’
The presentation to the network didn’t take fifteen minutes, it took well over an hour. Filled with amazing discussions and insights, so I summarized it to share it here with you. Hope it is valuable for you too.
If you liked what you read please click ❤ below and let me know your main takeaway. It means the world. Follow me on LinkedIn for future updates.
